Enemies in disguise

As a human being we need to be aware of 5 states of mind which can be very harmful to us. These are:  Hatred, Anger, Stagnation, Doubt, and Desires.  We need to continuously reflect on our actions and check whether our behavior is reinforcing or creating any of these mental states. Hence, the first step is always to look at ourselves first. However, there are also people who close to us who may not be the best companions for us without us realizing it. They are usually named toxic relationships, and I am going to call them enemies in disguise here.

While Buddhism is about loving kindness to everyone, we do include ourselves in the saving of all sentient beings and we also do recognize that there is malevolence in people. I’d say that we think that people act in destructive ways out of ignorance, and they are not necessarily born evil. Nevertheless, this can be debated. I am going to use the Sigalovada Sutta to explain the 4 categories of people we need to be careful about.

These four enemies can be categorised as follows:

 The taker

There are some friends who ask a lot and give very little in friendships. They are usually not interested in the friendship but what they can get out of it. So, you will notice that it’s always you who does more and more, and it’s not reciprocated. You may notice that you are taken for granted and not a priority. You may see that the person always approaches you when there is a need for you. It’s not about you but how the person can use you for his/her own self.

 The talker

This kind of friend uses words to manipulate you. The person will elevate you to a level whereby you think that the person really likes you. The person will promise a lot and tell you how he/she will always be here for you, but the person will do very little. You will notice that when the road gets tough, the person will disappear. The talker can be identified as follows:

Reminder of past generosity, for ex, I did this, this, and this.

Mouthing empty words of kindness which mean nothing.

Protesting personal misfortune and how the world is against the person especially when the person acts wrongly towards you or others; thus, kind of justifying one’s bad actions.

Promising future generosity

The flatterer

The person supports both your good and bad behavior. For example, if you do something wrong, the person will tell you that’s good as well. So, the person will encourage you to act your worse behaviors. In this way, the person doesn’t really have your best interest in mind. The person will praise you to your face but put you down behind your back. The person will flatter you a lot to create a sort of dependency towards him/her. That’s where you are the most vulnerable and the person can do the most damage. Thus, it’s very dangerous.

 The reckless companion

The person encourages you to live an extreme life. So, the person will accompany you in drinking, roam at night with you, party, and gamble.  Such people are trying to forget about their misery of life not by confronting it as it is but by getting into extremes to ease their pain and they will make you jump into this tornado of self-created hell.

Now, we may be displaying such behavior as well and the whole idea behind writing this article is to make us aware of what kind of behavior is unhealthy for us and others.

Love to all,

Geerish.